I don't know if it's just because I'm in the process of quitting caffeine, but I just have no motivation for anything right now - I mean, I'm technically still on "break", I guess, but it's not like breaks when I was a kid because if I spend a day doing nothing it just feels bad. But the problem is I don't feel like doing anything.

I mean, I think my life is kind of a fucking joke. I'm 22 and it's going by really fast. I don't think I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. Something to do with, I don't know, playing video games and having the internet as a kid has delayed my development. Like I just revert to this child that sits on his phone and plays dumb video games and shit, and it's just like my life is slipping through my fingers like sand.

I mean I have sort of vague goals that seem to align with the track I'm on in life but I just have the sense of being a chronic underachiever, like I'm not living up to any potential that I might have once had, and I don't know that there was ever any to speak of but the point is that it doesn't even matter because I'm just wasting what's remaining of my youth and I'm stuck in this regressive land of a child who only cares about satiating his infantile desires.

I like the idea of leaving nothing on the table in life, like, making the most of the opportunities I have. I guess even if my worst fears are true and I actually never had a chance of success in life, I'd still feel better to have tried than to have never even given myself a chance.

With that said I'd like to enumerate some actual goals here:

1. Get in really good shape (i.e., decrease body fat & increase muscle mass)
2. Optimize my relationships
3. Meditation practice
4. Career advancement
5. Individual education & cultural literacy (e.g. films and literature, philosophy, personal math/science education)
6. Writing

Some of those are kind of broad in scope but I suppose it's better to have them in my head and I can work out the details later.

I don't know why I have the impulse - the arrogance - to "publish" any of this garbage, but I paid for the domain so I guess I might as well put it up here. I know it's boring, repetitive, and unoriginal, but that seems to be a necessary step on the road to having an original thought. Seems likely that no one will ever read it anyway. But I think that the act of writing itself is good for me, I don't really understand why - maybe it snaps me out of the unconscious haze that I continually return to, seems to stimulate some reflective capacity - so doing it regularly seems like a good idea.