I don’t know what it is I’m doing any more. I live in a daze. I’m lulled into a sense that things are okay by monotony - the reassurance that life will continue. I wait for life to happen to me, I have no initiative or will. At the moment my continued existence is predicated on the notion that happenstance will somehow lead to anything substantive. But waiting on life leads to nothing.

Is there a way out?

The only way out I see is the sincere faith in the notion that I can exert control over my life. The understanding that anything good that ever happened to me came to me by my own efforts.

But then again it seems to me that that’s completely false. I don’t feel that I’ve ever deserved anything really. To deserve something seems almost incoherent. Either you possess something or you don’t.